I am highly fucking annoyed with myself.
Now, this isn’t going to be a Livejournal-esque tale of woe and man-angst because I haven’t found “the one”, or that everything like, sucks and stuff. This isn’t that sort of stuff.
I’m disappointed in myself.
Now, as you probably know, I’m a film student.
If you didn’t know, then I’m a film student. Nice to meet you. How the hell did you find this blog?
Anyway. So I started this course at IFSS a while back. It’s been going fine. I’m learning a lot and according to the people running the joint, I’ve been doing well.. but… I could be doing so much better. This is where the disappointment sets in.
I’m disappointed that I didn’t focus more on the first two semesters
I’m disappointed my own fucking hangups got in the way of enjoying my time there, along with people pleasing, school politics and whatever other bullshit. Let people be cunts and get on with my own shit.
I’m disappointed that really, this could affect my longterm employability.
Now, I’m not going to apologize for the fact that occasionally, I have to take a day off. Something will not sit right, I’ll get sick, my back will play up, whatever. Thankfully I’m on meds where applicable. and the rest will be sorted out in a few weeks (sooner, if I get a chance) but theres times where I could have been more focused, more interested and more… into the idea of being a filmmaker. Any issues I have with the school I simply haven’t discussed with anyone who can do anything (and really, it isn’t that much of an issue as I’ll be out of there at the end of the year anyway)
I wish -with where I am now, with what I know now, and with the attitude towards life I have now, I could go back and slap first-two-semesters-me upside the head and say “Don’t you want this, you douchebag? Don’t you want to be a filmmaker? All the good shit will happen later. focus on this like Diana said you fucking weapons-grade fucktard! Don’t fuck this up! You can’t afford to fuck this up! What, you liked working at Coles, dickhead? Do you want to go back to that? Get. Your. Shit. Together”
Sadly, as I lack a TARDIS and drive not a DeLorean but a shitty Nissan, this won’t be happening. All I can do is improve from here. Go over what notes I have and get assistance for the parts I’m missing out on.
That said, it’s not all doom and gloom. I’m proud of what I’ve produced at IFSS so far, and really, they’re great. I sometimes still impress myself, even with Inconvenienced (where really, I was still in “HiOP mode”, didn’t quite have my shit together and was working with a difficult crew). I’ve also met some wonderful and amazing people I hope to work with in the future and I’ve learnt new skills that isn’t just relating to being a Nocturnal Shelf Technician at a shitty supermarket in faux-suburbia.
When it comes down to it. I never “always wanted to be a filmmaker” like other people… I sort of… fell into it. I have the passion for creating, sure. But I can create in so many other ways and collaborate with so many other people. IFSS, moving to Sydney, HiOP was all based on one impulsive and reckless decision to throw it all away and do something I’ve always wanted to do. Fuck not taking risks for a year or two and see where it takes me and if you ignore the bullshit, the financial problems, the heartbreak and whatever negative shit isn’t coming to mind right now, I’ve done pretty fucking well for a guy who made what I still consider the “best mistake I’ve ever made”.
I know that -for better or worse, I’m going to walk out of that school with a stack of films I’ve directed and written. Whether these are the only stories I tell or not is a different story. One that remains to be seen.