Before we begin, talking about the movie here. Not the absolutely horrendous and brutal fictitious sex move where you punch someone in the back of the head while you’re fucking them  from behind. Usually described from those with the mentality of 14 year old male as acted upon women, thus proving that women are  -in the minds of the vast majority of fuckhead males, only there to be submissive and demeaned and make sandwi–

Woah, sorry. Wrong audience.

So yes. I viewed this “interesting” movie with a female friend of mine whilst discussing life, the universe and everything and sharing a bottle of Jim Beam. I’m… not entirely sure what I was meant to get out of this, frankly. I did get tipsy from the Beam though, which was nice.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my fair share of bad films. House of 1000 Corpses had more than its fair share of moments, The House That Drips Blood on Alex is worth a view, The Human Centipede is great for getting people to leave long after a night of debauchery has come to an end and I still think that Snakes on a Plane is popcorn-gorging, mindless cinematic brilliance.

 
Much like anything else that involves Samuel L Jackson shouting and holding a gun

 

But Donkey Punch? Leaves a lot to be desired. The premise is that three women on a holiday in Spain end up getting whisked away on a boat manned by four douchebags, they all get drugged up, have sex, and then BAM! The eponymous punch happens, which results in a dead, coked-up lass and the rest of the movie falling flat on it’s already deflating arse as everyone (albeit understandably) freaks the fuck out that they now have a dead person on the boat thanks to some guy thinking he’s in a game of Punch Out! You can pretty much roll credits right there and the average filmgoer wouldn’t be missing out on much. Though two highlights happen: One DBag gets killed with a flare gun (with hilarious results) and another with a boat-motor. There you go. Nothing else to see here folks. Go watch Battle Royale or something equally good.

Donkey Punch pissed me off the same way The Human Centipede did: The story chugs along, it plays on the “three hapless females who -at some point end up naked” cliche, and generally everyone and everything is unlikeable or unrelateable. At least Centipede  had that “trying to work together and escape as a fetish gone wrong” thing going for it, but everything pissed me off about Donkey Punch. They could have done so much more, make an entirely different film (come on, the title lends itself to an American Pie for the new generation) or at least a film that serves as good background noise to drinking bourbon and talking about the evils of giant corporations who own the lifeblood of artists, dismissing anything fresh and/or groundbreaking and instead wasting their time with flavour-of-the-month manufactured pop star–

Fuck, did it again.

Point is, don’t watch Donkey Punch. It sucks. If you ignore this warning? don’t blame me. And if you are the type of knuckle-dragging fucktard to actually punch your lover in the back of the head? Then you deserve the same fate as the poor fat bastard in Deliverance.

Squeal like a pig!

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