Dear Kevin Rudd, Tony Abbott, Christine Milne, and candidates of the Grayndler electorate.
I am speaking to you as a member of the Australian public and as an apathetic swing-voter getting increasingly tired and bored of the media telling me who to vote for (so, Liberals, basically. Go media bias!)
Your parties all have policies that affect me directly as a feminist ally, bisexual, and currently-between-jobs freelance content creator, I have done my research and frankly, gun to my head? I’ll take my chances with the holder of said gun pulling the trigger.
Yeah. I’ll take death or permanent injury over having to go and vote.
Which brings me to the point of this open letter/blog post. I have a proposal. I am 100% serious and if my vote counts like it apparently does, then I hope that you take me up on this offer to prove it. I mean, shit. Australian politics is already a farce, so why not?
My proposal is this: I will vote for the party who sends out a representative to my home in Sydney’s Inner West, to drink a sneaky midweek beer or two (or tea/coffee, if you prefer), and play a few games on my Xbox 360.
That’s it. You don’t even have to win. Just turn up and hang with a potential voter. We can chill and talk about pressing issues or point out cloud-shapes whilst lamenting the pitiful view I have from my balcony. For me, it means I can dismiss all the turmoil of deciding which candidate best represents my views, and for you, it means you score a vote regardless of your policies. It’s win/win!
I understand that the election is this weekend, so I’m also happy to have a party representative sent out at a more convenient date.
I have not decided on the game yet, but seeing as it apparently has taken over my life as of late, probably Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.
Playing via Xbox Live is also acceptable, but less fun.
If nobody turns up, then I’ll throw my vote by drawing dicks on the ballot papers or vote for some irrelevant minor party that nobody cares about, like One Nation.
I’ll also spend top dollar on the finest spirits for any party leader who turns up.
I will have a videographer onsite to assist in podcasting the entire thing and uploading it to my YouTube Channel as a living memento of our time together, said time spent drinking and shooting each-other in the face.
Again, I reiterate that I am 100% serious about this. Labor and Greens can prove that they’re the vox populi (shout-out to any Bioshock Infinite players reading), and Liberals can prove that they’re completely approachable and relatable for young adults in Australia -a demographic which I am a member of in mind only.
I hope that you consider my proposal.
Luke “Ruku” Sheehan.