You know what I love? Food.

It’s kinda why I’m fat.

You know what I love more than food? Nothing. But this -up until now, was a nice segue to Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. All but the latest season of which I have lovingly curated over the past year or so. It’s one of the few trashy shows that I can stand watching without my head spinning around 360 degrees and vomiting pea soup. Combine that with the UK version of the show, and the Boiling Point/Beyond Boiling Point miniseries, and I have more Gordon Ramsay than I know what to do with.

This expression haunts my nightmares
This face haunts my nightmares

While watching the trashier and inferior US version, there’s a few constants in the show, namely that Gordon swears until things are magically fixed and the restauranteurs are way too far up their own arse. So without further ado, I present

The Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares Drinking Game!
(v1.0)

This is meant for the U.S. version of the show, in all it’s trashy, heavily-edited glory. You could attempt this with the UK version, but it might not suit it as well. You’re probably wondering why you’d want to get shitfaced while watching a Gordon Ramsay show, but hell, people do it with Family Guy, The Boondock Saints and Absolutely Fabulous, so why the fuck not?

The obligatory voice of reason that most people will scroll right over: Please drink responsibly. If you can’t manage that, at least drunk responsibly. I’m mostly posting this up to amuse myself and the 2.5 people who read my blog. I like a good booze-up as much as the next guy, but I have this horrible feeling following these rules will render even the most iron-clad of livers permanently damaged, given the rapid frequency of this shit happening during a typical season of the show.

My lovely girlfriend Kim helped me refresh my memory on some things, and felt she should be credited as consultant. So here you go dear, just in case you weren’t joking. XOXO

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One Drink

-When Gordon asks if the food is fresh or frozen
-When Gordon comments that the restaurant’s decor is outdated, unwelcoming, etc.
-When the owner/manager rate the food anything above 7 out of 10, or defend the food/says “it’s not that bad”, or that “it’s popular”/”the customers like it”
-When the restaurant staff disagree with the owners/managers on the quality of the food
-When Gordon describes the food as “bland”, “disgusting”, “outdated”, etc.
-When Gordon finds out the kitchen is messy, hasn’t been cleaned, etc.
-When Gordon is checking the fridge, he exclaims “What is that?”, “Look at that!”, “Oh God!”
-When Gordon claims the chef is lazy, doesn’t care, or they have lost their passion
-When Gordon exclaims “Oh fucking hell”.
-When Gordon orders the kitchen, fridges or restaurant to be cleaned out
-After the restaurant is given a makeover or renovations, people exclaim “Oh my god!”
-When Gordon arranges a huge publicity stunt for the restaurant’s relaunch
-When Gordon orders everyone to “Stop!”/”Just Stop!”

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Two Drinks

-When the restaurant staff claims the food is fresh, then later admit (or the owners admit) that it is frozen
-When Gordon comments on damaged carpeting, furniture, plates, etc.
-When Gordon finds rotten food, mould, animal shit or cockroaches/rats anywhere in the restaurant
-When the owners criticize or otherwise lose their shit at Gordon
-When the staff criticize the owners/managers.
-When Gordon arranges a staff meeting/huddle
-When the service slows to a crawl before the restaurant’s relaunch
-When Gordon loses his shit at the owners/managers
-When Gordon disposes of/destroys/unpacks something from the restaurant as a joke, a stunt, or to make a point to the owners/staff
-When a mayor, celebrity, politician or influential food blogger comes to the restaurant

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Three Drinks

-When Gordon accidentally drops, spills or damages something in the restaurant
-When the owners or staff decide they don’t like the restaurant’s new look, menu, or service
-When the owners/staff threaten to, or end up walking out (either temporarily, or rest of the episode)
-When the service slows to a crawl after the changes
-When Gordon plugs a brand of POS system, oven, cutlery/crockery as part of the makeover
-When there is more than one manager/owner
-When Gordon spits out a piece of food, or gets a staff member to try it
-When Gordon organizes a cook-off or taste-test between himself and the chef, or between two chefs
-When the mayor, politician, celebrity or influential food-blogger complains about the food, wait times, restaurant, etc.

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Four Drinks

-When the owners try to reinstate the old menu
-When Gordon threatens to leave
-When an owner/staff member gets fired
-When Gordon takes the owners/staff to a boxing ring
-When Gordon uses family photos, newspaper articles, or historical photos as part of the restaurant makeover
-When Gordon changes part or all of the name of the restaurant as part of the makeover
-When the restaurant ends up closing or gets sold after the changes (including “Revisited” episodes)
-When a hair/bug/etc. is found  in the food, or on the table
-When gum/rubbish is found under the tables
-When a diner doesn’t like the food or decor after the makeover/changes

342622-chef-gordon-ramsay-funny-memes

BONUS!
(Either five drinks, or a shot of spirits)

-When emergency services are called to the restaurant
-When rotten or spoiled food/condiments are sent out to restaurant patrons
-When Gordon enjoys the food during the initial taste test

SPECIFIC RULES FOR S06E16 – “AMY’S BAKING COMPANY”

The couple you love to hate! Especially when alcohol’s involved! Use these rules when watching the “Amy’s Baking Company” episode of the sixth season of US Kitchen Nightmares, as well as any other rules above.

One Drink

-When Amy mentions “online/internet haters/bullies”, or claims that the online reviews are “lies”

Two Drinks

-When Amy or Samy flip out at a staff member or customer

So that’s about it for now! This will be updated whenever I remember or think up new rules. Feel free to contribute by shooting me an email (felafel at rukusan dot com) or posting on my public Facebook page.

For now, Enjoy!

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