Minions. Gotta love ’em, right? Or if you’re me, tolerate them just enough to not car-bomb all your Minion-loving Facebook friends for being such fucking embarrassments to society.

Trust me when I say this, I know all about being an embarrassment to society:

Still the greatest photo of me ever.
Still the greatest photo of me ever.

But whether we like it or not, Minions are here to stay, it seems. But it doesn’t mean we can’t use this to our advantage. Sit tight, Felafel-readers! I’m about to solve all your fucking problems with these four weird tips.

1) Find a minion picture. Just use Google. Nobody uses Bing except for parents and Microsoft employees. Don’t be a fucking disappointment to your ancestors by picking any old image. Choose one that’s relevant. I chose these three assholes:

minions-2015-im-with-stupid

2) Find lyrics to punk, metal, or prog music. If you have AdBlocker, you should be able to avoid the 7200 viruses you’re about to get.

3) Open your favourite image editor. By “Favourite”, I obviously mean Photoshop. Everything else is crap in comparison. Don’t even get me started on Paint Shop Pro.

4) Copy and paste like the talentless hack you are, and viola! You have a Minion image you can be proud to emblazon on your Facebook page, putting a spring in your step every time it appears on your newsfeed.

Jim Carroll - People Who Died
Jim Carroll – People Who Died

Much like Simpsons quotes, excessive drug use and casual racism, there’s one for every occasion. Here’s another I knocked up:

Tool - Prison Sex
Tool – Prison Sex

See? SEE? He looks kinda INSANE right?! The song talks about sanity, and he’s in his underpants, so he probably rubbed one out so…. look, the bar’s set pretty low with these things already. Just find a fucking Minion, add lyrics from music your grandmother will probably hate and don’t put too much thought into it beyond that. It works for Minion Quotes.

Pantera - Fucking Hostile
Pantera – Fucking Hostile

Here’s a few tips from when I actually did some graphic design:

-Use a readable font. Nothing gets ignored quicker like a shit font. And make sure it doesn’t clash with the background. None of this red/blue, white/yellow colour scheme shit okay? I know where you fucking sleep.

-Use as childish a font as possible to fool people into thinking it’s legit. Better yet, just use Comic Sans.

-Remember to use your left/center/right alignment tools. If you don’t know what they are, you have just failed “using a computer 101”. Get the fuck out of my class.

-Keep it simple. Unless you’re adding a basic background or some shit and know what you’re doing, text + image is fine. Let’s not put any more effort into this than needed.

 

Now I’m leaving it up to YOU GUYS to cause a bit of mischief and make your own. Send any submissions to audible.xepha@gmail.com with the subject title “Metal Minions”, Best 10 submissions will be featured on the site and the very very very best will get a prize of some sort.

 

Till next time…

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