Now look, I’m not one to turn my nose up at goofy fucking songs. One of my favourites to play on guitar is “Only Gay Eskimo” by Corky and the Juice Pigs (NOT Tenacious D, as various filesharing programs of yesteryear would have you believe, though, wouldn’t that make a wonderful cover?), “Fuck a Dog” by Blink 182 I used to blast at my girlfriend when I felt like being a shithead, and Rickrolling is my religion that I will never lose, no matter how many repeat listens of REM I go through.

But in later years, there seems to have been a plague, shall we say, of music that is certainly goofy as all shit, but more catered for the lowest common denominator: People who just love obnoxious, repetitive noises.

The latest addition to this plague is “Watch Me” by Silentó.

THE ARTIST

Silentó (real name: Richard Lamar Hawk) is a 17 year old recording artist who’s only claim to fame is outright demanding people watch him whip, then nae-nae, then make them do dance moves, like a cocaine-fueled record exec who ordered in a small Ethiopian child to throw nickels at.

That’s all there is to it. Another shitty teenager whose modus operandi is to pollute our ear canals with shitty music. He must be doing something right though, cause the fucker already is getting airtime and has a partnership with Vevo from just one song.

THE SONG

Here’s a breakdown of the more commonly used words in the lyrics. Yes, I had to google the lyrics, yes, they were posted online. Why? I’m not entirely sure, because there are very few to remember.

Watch Me: 74

Whip: 18

Nae Nae: 24

Duff: 17

Bop: 18

Aside from a few references to the “Stanky Leg”, “Yule”, “Superman” and “Break Your Legs”, along with any fillers (yeah, crank dat, stank, etc.), this is the entire song. That’s it. No hidden surprises. Silentó of course has to tell us his name just in case we’ve forgotten who came up with this dredge.

At first, I thought autotune was in full force here, as Silentó’s squeaky teenage voice giving us the customary name-check is replaced with a warmer, deeper voice in the actual song, but then that seems to be his actual voice? Or at least a close approximation, after watching a live performance or two. Either way, the voice changes and it’s pretty jarring. Kid, stahp. Either be a squeaky annoying teen or a damn grown up. You can’t have your whip/nae-nae and eat it too.

Musically, nothing to really write home about but nothing to really fault, either. It’s an alright beat, wasted on lyrics about stanky legs, whips, and so on.

A sidenote here. Who the fuck comes up with these dance names? Isn’t a “stanky leg” what happened to that guy who got bitten on the ankle in “The Walking Dead”? What the hell is a “Duff”, and as far as “break your legs” go, don’t encourage me, dude. I’m getting ideas.

THE MUSIC VIDEO

This actually saves the song for me. It incorporates videos sent in by fans, presumably, as well as a sequence in a highschool gym that makes up the majority. Three rather conservative women come in and witness the horrors of their POOR LITTLE DARLINGS whipping and nae-nae-ing all over the place, then eventually get into it themselves because “FUCK YOU, OLD PEOPLE!”. It’s decently shot with a few neat camera tricks here and there, beyond that it’s all very “standard rap fare if it were directed by a 17 year old kid”.

IN SUMMARY

It’s another J. Dash “Wop”, or Migos “Versace”, except those two assholes are old enough to know better. “Watch Me” is earwormy and annoying enough to hate, yet somehow is popular enough to end up on “Ellen”, which is the real kicker: This kid performed on US television, all because of a song that equates to a list of dance moves. Come on, guys, this is why we can’t have nice things.

The worst part is, “Watch Me” is the musical equivalent to Stockholm Syndrome. At first you hate the everloving shit out of it, but because it’s so damned catchy, you secretly, disgustingly find yourself kinda liking it, and then wanting to drink bleach and take a nap on a major highway because you remember how annoying the fucking song is.

Now if you excuse me, I need to buy a deck-chair and have a tanning sesh on the M5.

BEST DESCRIBED AS:

“This song is the reason I hate this generation”

I DESCRIBE IT AS

This generation’s Map to the Treasure of Melee Island.

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