Lo and behold, the work gods have smiled upon my shitty existence and gave me a week off to do nothing in.
So I’ve spent it watching Penn and Teller: Bullshit! and gaming. You lot played We Happy Few yet? It’s pretty tits.
I have, however, noticed a few trends/bandwagons whilst browsing my Steam queues that really… Look, can you guys just cut this shit out?
This is no real order, something-something-stream of consciousness. This was also originally a Facebook post that got too long, so this may be a little all over the place.
Without futher ado…
-Look/smell/sound/play like Minecraft.
We get it. Minecraft is tits. We don’t need 30,000 clones of it. Minecraft is Minecraft, your game shouldn’t be Minecraft because Minecraft already exists.
Similar themes also apply to the following games:
-Amnesia (It’s like Memento all up in this shit)
-P.T. (It’s gone man, time to move on. Or give Allison Road some space to breathe first.)
-Five Nights at Freddy’s (No more animatronics, no more hiding from animatronics, no more fucking phone guy, no more fucking pizzerias. No more fucking cameras. Unless you create something completely fucking fresh and interesting, I don’t give a shit.)
-The Forest/Rust/Day Z/Billy Bob’s Survive n’ Craft (We get it. You’re in a forest and you have to survive or you’ll get shit on by a zombie werewolf-bear hybrid with voice acting provided by Gary Busey)
-Slender: The Eight Pages (No. Just no.)
-Procedurally generated whatever-the-fuck.
Everything is procedurally generated. Your mom was probably procedurally generated. STAHP. I’m sure it’s pretty impressive tech you’re very proud of with all the coding and the bells and whistles, but we got along fine without randomizing levels for many, many years. We can continue to do so forever more.
-Not give any sort of blurb on Steam.
It’s great your first person, crafting, procedurally generated, indie, crowdfunded, horror-survival game with RPG elements has all these things. So does most of my collection. Gimme a story to go on. Don’t just say it’s an engaging story, tell me why it’s engaging. That’s what a blurb is for, you twats.
Actually, while I’m at it…
-Make sure your RPG elements are actually RPG elements.
The whole point of an RPG is to level up and gain skills so you’re not the incompetent dumbshit you were 30 saves ago. Crafting holsters for your gun and unlocking useless abilities do not an RPG element make. It’s not even an element. It’s just shit.
-Be anything more than $20 for an Early Access title.
Really? Like, really? $10 or $20 I can understand. You guys need money to do the game and want to provide a little somethin’-somethin’ early as a reward. Awesome. But if I’m paying upwards of that for your unfinished title, while a complete and arguably more justifiably priced game is the same if not more, then whatever half-finished, IKEA-inspired contribution to the gaming Pot-Luck better be freaking awesome.
P.S. Fuck you, Day Z. You were $30 of pure unadulterated sadness.
-Be anything that isn’t BioShock Infinite
Yeah look. I’m sorry, but my heart remains tied to Columbia and it’s racist inhabitants. It’s the “Living in a country where we’re only good at racism and sports” thing. It reminds me of home.
It’s not you, it’s me. BioShock Infinite was fucking amazing and your game probably sucks in comparison.