The Curious Case of Cardinal Pell (and those who protect him)

Content Note: This will inevitably lead to a discussion about sexual abuse, child abuse, rape apologists, paedophilia, the works. Brace yourselves before reading if you’re sensitive to such topics, and of course, help is readily available:

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Some years ago, I was watching my then-girlfriend sing Handel’s Messiah with the choir she worked with. This, in turn, led to a chance meeting with one Cardinal George Pell. We said “S’up homie?”, shook hands, he declined my offer of a fist-bump and I thought nothing else of it…

…Until I saw his name in the paper a few weeks later saying he was accused of abusing a choirboy or two.

Fast forward to last month and Pell was finally convicted on multiple counts of child sexual abuse after this all was made hush-hush over the years, because of course, the church can do no wrong. There never was a epidemic of paedophilia in the Catholic church and there never was a priest or even a cardinal convicted of such a heinous crime. That’s only reserved for the folk that got their shit pushed in by Operation Yewtree, right?


Even up until recently there was a gag order on all media discussing the case -as pointless as it is in the age of the Internet, where I can catch up all the day’s goss in about five minutes-, because heaven forbid anyone talks about such a high-profile case, regarding a high-profile person, accused of a high-profile crime.

But the word’s out, Pell’s convicted, and people are talking. Several of whom, probably shouldn’t.

In an amazing example of “Not the Betoota Advocate”; Tony Abbott, John Howard, Miranda Devine, Andrew Bolt, the Archbishop of Sydney, and I’m sure a slew of others have come out swinging in defence of the poor, oppressed Cardinal, inferring that it’s all a smear campaign. He’s a “good bloke”, he “was wrongfully accused”. The usual tripe that plagues cases like this (big and small) when your mate down at the pub grabs someone inappropriately.

What amazes me more in the cases of Bolt and Devine, is that News Corp thought that having their two most prominent columnists defend a convicted paedophile was perfectly fine and dandy.

The kicker for me was this fucking doozy from Pell’s Lawyer and 2019 winner of the prestigious “Stop. Just Fucking Stop.” award, Robert Richter, QC:

“This is no more than a plain, vanilla sexual penetration case where a child is not volunteering or actively participating,”

You know, because forcing oral sex on a choirboy is the vanilla-est thing. I myself can’t have a cheeky wank without being punched in the head and having my nipples hooked up to a car battery. #kinklyf.

but I digress.

In regards to the group above. Let me just say, under no uncertain terms, and on behalf of all that is left of kindness, goodness, and decency in this sordid fucking country; go fuck yourselves.

This wasn’t some Judge Judy-esque shitshow where everyone involved was kinda shit and you can’t look away because it’s an absolute trainwreck. This was a powerful person, taking advantage of his ranking, to abuse innocent children. Children. You know, the ones you were so committed to protecting when same-sex marriage was gearing up to be The Worst Thing Ever™.

I didn’t hear a goddamn peep from anyone when Rolf Harris was convicted, or Gary Glitter, or Robert Hughes. Nor did I hear a peep from the conservative rags when we all universally decided Jimmy Saville was an utter shit cunt (and nor should we, on both counts). But now it’s your best mate you feel so, so compelled to defend him, to call him after the conviction, to cite “undeniable evidence” he was wrongfully convicted, to offer character references.

Even Ray Hadley. Ray Goddamn-fucking Hadley called you guys out on this crap.

Let’s just unpack some of this bullshit, shall we?

“In my opinion, this is our own OJ Simpson case, but in reverse. A man was found guilty not on the facts but on prejudice,”

“Cardinal George Pell has been falsely convicted of sexually abusing two boys in their early teens. That’s my opinion, based on the overwhelming evidence.”

“Declaration: I have met Pell perhaps five times in my life and like him,”

“I am not a Catholic or even a Christian. He is a scapegoat, not a child abuser. In my opinion.”

Andrew Bolt, Herald Sun.

Bolt sure likes his opinion, doesn’t he? Which evidently means he knows more than the victims who prosecuted against Pell, and thankfully isn’t admissible court evidence. I would wager if it was anyone else, he’d just be on his merry and state that we should let the courts do court stuff. Don’t even get me started on refugees.

“It’s devastating because I don’t believe that Pell, who I know slightly and admire greatly, could be guilty of sexually assaulting two choirboys in a busy cathedral after Sunday mass when he was archbishop of Melbourne in 1996,”

Miranda Devine, Daily Telegraph

Devine, a staunch Catholic, infamously accused the Victorian Police of using the accusations against Pell as a distraction from a crime epidemic in 2017.

Devine being Devine, I’m sure any pearls of wisdom I was able to glean in spite of News Corp’s paywall are as fair and balanced as you can get.

And you know what, Miranda? It does suck. It sucks that one of the most powerful people in the Catholic church couldn’t keep his saintly prick in his pants. And now he’s convicted. Boo fucking hoo.

But it’s fine. It’s all fine. We can get through this together. I tend to look to the Bible in tough times (mostly when a table leg needs more height), and I believe this may be of use to you:

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

Galatians 6:7. Paraphrased occasionally by Marilyn Manson

You asked in 2017 “how would you like to be labelled as a paedophile?”. Tell me, how does it feel to be defending one?

“Strength and sincerity have always been features of his personality. I have always found him to be lacking hypocrisy and cant. In his chosen vocation he has frequently displayed much courage and held to his values and beliefs, irrespective of the prevailing wisdom of the time.”

“[Pell is a] lively conversationalist who maintains a deep and objective interest in contemporary social and political issues.”

“I am aware he has been convicted of those charges; that an appeal against the conviction has been lodged and that he maintains his innocence in respect of these charges. None of these matters alter my opinion of the Cardinal.”

John Howard, Character reference of George Pell

Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Here’s the thing. You speak of prevailing wisdom, yet deem it fit to somehow defend a disgraced Cardinal. These matters should alter your opinion of the Cardinal. I suggest you take a “deep and objective” look at yourself and who you surround yourself with. But then you were the “Boat people are throwing their kids overboard” guy. So I doubt you’ll equip very much foresight in this matter.

Come to think of it, why the hell are you still relevant? We ousted you and your gang of shitheads in 2007. Go for a jog or something.

“I absolutely accept that this is a shocking result, a devastating result, but it is subject to appeal,”

“It certainly doesn’t sound consistent with the man I have known.”

“Yes, he has been convicted, he has been found guilty, and as the Prime Minister said, no one is above the law … but let’s wait and see what the law ultimately produces.”

“I accept that there has been a judgment of a court. I accept that there has been a verdict of the jury. I accept that this is a horrific crime. I accept all of that. But there is a process that is yet to be finalised.”

“I don’t claim to have the last word in wisdom and insight on any of these issues,”

Tony Abbott, 2GB

Tone, mate, you shouldn’t claim to have the last word in wisdom or insight on anything aside from eating onions and being a terrible Prime Minister.

You have stated that you will ‘accept’ the results of the case, yet you want to ‘wait and see’ what ultimately comes out of it? Guess what? There was ultimately, definitely and undoubtedly a result and they found your BFF guilty. You might have to re-arrange your nails-and-hair-plaits dates, my dude.

You all are no longer mouthpieces for Conservative Australia and the apparent voice of common sense. You are all paedophile apologists and hypocrites and should be goddamn ashamed of yourselves.

Even when evidence and the courts have out and out convicted Pell of the charges, you lot still praise the guy and wait around for some sort of smoking gun, some miracle evidence that will unequivocably reveal that your buddy’s actually an alright guy. All the while doing your Oscar-winning attempt at hand-wringing over the victims. You couldn’t give a shit about the victims. You just want this to all go away so you can keep trialling Muslims or Refugees in your paid position at the Court of Public Opinion.

I don’t expect much from any of you, because you’re all basically trash. But honestly? I expected better. Far better.

Till next time…

Barnaby Joyce is a fucking tool.

Australians all let us rejoice, for we are run by a pack of morons.

But let’s focus on Barnaby Joyce today. I mean, what a waste of a badass name. When I think “Barnaby”, I picture some cigar-smoking, dinosaur punching, time-travelling anti-hero who sounds like Tom Waits coughing up a lung and speaks like a pulpy Noir detective. Instead we’re stuck with this dipshit:

The only time travelling this jackass is doing is bringing us all back to the 1950's
The only time travelling this jackass is doing is bringing us all back to the 1950’s

Non-badass Barnaby has been in the news recently, criticising same-sex marriage (or as I like to call it, ‘marriage’), saying that Asian countries may see us as ‘decadent’ if it’s embraced in Australia

To this I say “so what?”

Out of all the bullshit arguments about letting ‘them filthy queers’ marry, this is quite possibly the worst. It’s not even impressively insensitive or crass like the other, more popular ones (pedos wanting to marry children, and the whole “Adam and Steve” thing, to name a few).

It doesn’t even make sense. Since the Coalition (again, waste of a badass name) came into power, when exactly have we given a fuck about how other countries view us?

We don't even like Asian people, really.
We don’t even like Asian people, or any other race, for that matter

Seriously, after silencing doctors and human rights supporters speaking out about the atrocities happening in detention centres, the fact the Libs have spent more money than Labor ever did, the fact we’re cutting funding to everything that isn’t making the rich richer (again, thank fuck the ballerinas are safe), we’re now insecure all of a sudden?

It’s 2015 guys, come on. Even America is doing better than us. Don’t you want to keep laughing at how shitty America is, guys? ‘Cause they’re kinda beating us as the whole “equal rights for all” game, and shit, they love the hell out of shooting all those “thuggish, unruly, black people“.

I get it, the Coalition are all for traditional values that are long since outdated, but frankly, if we’re going to get our man-panties in a twist over other countries’ opinion of us, I don’t think it’s same-sex marriage we have to worry about.

Joyce goes onto say that marriage shouldn’t be redefined by legislation (despite the fact it already has been many times over), comparing the idea to calling diamonds squares, and the usual tripe about how marriage is for procreation. All the fun stuff that gets thrown around when a middle-aged conservative thinks that being a decent human being who stands for equality is akin to being naked in public in the nightmare fuel department. Yawn.

Don’t get me wrong, I think same sex marriage is not the be-all and end-all. There’s still many a ways we need to go even once we have that fabulous-looking feather in our cap and I hope the recent push from everyone sporting a rainbow on Facebook continues into the realms of women’s rights, transgender rights, etc. and not just be another grand show of slacktivism. But this does eventually need to happen sooner or later.

And it’s time for Barnaby and his ilk, to stop making excuses for same-sex marriage not to be allowed in our once-great country. I just got off the phone to Adam and Steve, they wanna start planning how fucking fabulous their wedding cake is going to look already. Pick your fucking game up, ‘Straya.


Till next time…

A Not-So Modest Followup

So I emailed My last post, an open letter to the party leaders of the Greens, Labor and Liberal parties to come and play Call of Duty over a few beers out to their respective inboxes.

For those who aren’t in Australia (or don’t give a shit), here’s now it breaks down, complete with prospective gamer handles for them all:

THE GREENS – Led by Christine Milne, stand for NBN, Refugee and LGBT rights, increasing the film industry in Australia, and renewable energy. Your typical “hippie” party. In my opinion they’re pretty great.


LABOR – Current party in power, led by Kevin Rudd. Stand for LGBT rights, the NBN, the Gonski education reform, but are a little lacking in their bedside manner when it comes to asylum seekers (though points for actually stopping the boats, while Liberals are merely going to pretend they don’t exist). Famous this year for numerous leadership spills and for being completely and unfairly shat on by the media. In my opinion they’re not bad, but when they say they want to “give everyone a fair go”, they need to… you know, give EVERYONE a fair go. That includes the fucking brown people on boats, you guys.


LIBERAL/NATIONAL COALITION – Australia’s conservative “keep the rich richer and forget the poor exist” posterboys, led by Tony Abbott and Rupert Murdoch. their main policies are to throw handfuls of shit at Labor’s apparent incompetence (of course, sensationalized by the media) and call Kevin Rudd names, followed by a steady six-point-plan to keep anyone who isn’t white out of Australia and make huge cuts to essential and critical services, to get Australia’s economy into a surplus we don’t need. They recently brought out a paid parental leave scheme for people who already have shitloads of money, while threatening to cut services to the hospitals who would potentially deliver the babies they’re giving birth to. In my opinion, they’re a bit shit. Which is like saying that Hitler was “a bit mean to jews and homosexuals”.


So far the only person who has bothered to respond personally is the office of Christine Milne. Shout-out to Felicity Gray for getting back to me with a personalized, albeit short response.

Tony Abbott’s office not only spectacularly failed to give me the correct gender pronoun (opting for the formal-but-still-generic “Sir or Madam”, when my name was CLEARLY PRINTED in my initial email), but  threw in a snide remark about Labor’s “incompetence” and “untrustworthiness”. Despite the fact that the Coalition has been wonderfully non-transparent about their policies, costings, and issues.

To be honest, I’m wondering if Tony Abbott knows what an Xbox is…


No word from Kevin Rudd as of yet, but I’ll update as soon as one comes in. He’s probably figuring out his BlOps2 loadout or something for when we throw down. Sneaky bugger.


A Not-So Modest Proposal

Dear Kevin Rudd, Tony Abbott, Christine Milne, and candidates of the Grayndler electorate.

I am speaking to you as a member of the Australian public and as an apathetic swing-voter getting increasingly tired and bored of the media telling me who to vote for (so, Liberals, basically. Go media bias!)

Your parties all have policies that affect me directly as a feminist ally, bisexual, and currently-between-jobs freelance content creator, I have done my research and frankly, gun to my head? I’ll take my chances with the holder of said gun pulling the trigger.

Yeah. I’ll take death or permanent injury over having to go and vote.

Which brings me to the point of this open letter/blog post. I have a proposal. I am 100% serious and if my vote counts like it apparently does, then I hope that you take me up on this offer to prove it. I mean, shit. Australian politics is already a farce, so why not?

My proposal is this: I will vote for the party who sends out a representative to my home in Sydney’s Inner West, to drink a sneaky midweek beer or two (or tea/coffee, if you prefer), and play a few games on my Xbox 360.

That’s it. You don’t even have to win. Just turn up and hang with a potential voter. We can chill and talk about pressing issues or point out cloud-shapes whilst lamenting the pitiful view I have from my balcony. For me, it means I can dismiss all the turmoil of deciding which candidate best represents my views, and for you, it means you score a vote regardless of your policies. It’s win/win!

I understand that the election is this weekend, so I’m also happy to have a party representative sent out at a more convenient date.

I have not decided on the game yet, but seeing as it apparently has taken over my life as of late, probably Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.

Playing via Xbox Live is also acceptable, but less fun.

If nobody turns up, then I’ll throw my vote by drawing dicks on the ballot papers or vote for some irrelevant minor party that nobody cares about, like One Nation.

I’ll also spend top dollar on the finest spirits for any party leader who turns up.

I will have a videographer onsite to assist in podcasting the entire thing and uploading it to my YouTube Channel as a living memento of our time together, said time spent drinking and shooting each-other in the face.

Again, I reiterate that I am 100% serious about this. Labor and Greens can prove that they’re the vox populi (shout-out to any Bioshock Infinite players reading), and Liberals can prove that they’re completely approachable and relatable for young adults in Australia -a demographic which I am a member of in mind only.

I hope that you  consider my proposal.

Yours sincerely,


Luke “Ruku” Sheehan.


Seth Sentry, Twerking, Batfleck, Other shit happening that has invaded my Facebook timeline.

Largely off-the-cuff and about a week late because I’ve been away. Time to play catchup! Bear with me.

I saw Seth Sentry last week. It was fucking brilliant. Him and the openers (Grey Ghost, Mantra) fucking killed it. Glad I went. Glad my first hip-hop gig was seeing the guy who raps about hoverboards.

Granted, it was in a crowded music venue and I was more toward the front than I prefer, so I got pushed around a small bit. Still had lots of fun. Want to do it all again already. Waaaah!

I am so not excited about this election. Australian politics bore me at the best of times (especially now with Julia out of the picture, I can’t be all “girl power” and “fuck the patriarchy”. YAWN) Labor and Liberal shit to me to tears and I fear the latter has a strong chance of getting in this year. Lie back and think of England, I suppose.

It wouldn’t bother me if -under Abbott, the Liberal party seems to have swung into the depths of conservatism that I dare not tread, in fear of losing my IQ. It also wouldn’t bother me if the media weren’t so intent on sucking Tony Abbott’s withered old cock.

I’ll let that mental image sink in.

Tired to death of hearing about Batfleck. So done. Affleck is a solid actor. Snyder is a solid director. Enough about Batfleck already.

Miley Fucking Cyrus. REALLY?! Nobody saw her one-way ticket into attempting to revamp her image into someone/thing more ‘ardcore? It happened with Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Old habit do not die easily in the Mickey Mouse Club, it seems.

Wait, Miley was a Disney alumni, right? I’m an old man and I can’t keep up with your current generation y with their hippity-hop and their yoloswag.

Yeah, yeah, it was in poor taste and stunk the wafty stank of casual racism. Let’s all remember that it was a dipshit 20 year old acting like a dipshit 20 year old. Can we all just agree to not feign shock and disappointment over whatever latest pop-starlet-turned-gangsta-chic-chick appears on the TV? Thanks.

And quit with the slut shaming. For fuck’s sake.

Comic Book Men is pretty fucking great. Apparently it’s finally hit Australia. Anyone into Kevin Smith and/or comic books, hit it up.

On that note, the Sandman and American Gods TV adaptations should be out already. Chuck in High Cost of Living/Time of Your Life and Anansi Boys if you need more material. Just… fuuuuck. Gimme my damn stories already!

Actually, no. Scratch that. I want to shoot a High Cost of Living flick. Fuck off HBO.

(just kidding. I love you, HBO)



As we are thrust headlong into the upcoming election…

Yep. More Auspol ranting. But I’ll try and make this one less ranty and perhaps informatiVBWAHAHAHAH! We both know that’s not going to happen, dear reader.

now, look. If you’re reading this and we’re Facebook friends and/or you’re in my phone’s address book, I probably find you enough of a decent human being, or at least have enough redeeming qualities that aren’t politics which I admire. I’m also aware I’m probably not going to change anyone’s opinion on who to vote for because most people have been dead-set since the first election date was announced by Julia Gillard.

Though, if you’re smart, don’t vote Liberal. I honestly can’t think of a political party more incapable of running a country. Well,  One Nation, maybe. But they haven’t been relevant for about a decade.

Seriously though, we do have an election coming up, so if you’ve bothered to read this far into this post, please heed the following.

I don’t care WHO you vote for, just don’t -under any circumstances, waste your vote.

I don’t mean “don’t waste your vote” by voting for non-labor/liberal parties such as The Greens, or The Sex Party, because honestly, these parties ARE relevant and CAN make a difference if enough people vote for them.

I mean “don’t waste your vote” by… well, not voting. By thinking it’s all a big joke, by making a donkey-vote.

Furthermore, don’t waste your vote  by not voting and then start kicking up a stink because [xyz-party] got in, or [abc-party] is fucking up the country. You had your voice, and instead you just barked like a braindead seal and quoted inane memes from 4-Chan. you have no right to complain because we’re getting fucked up the arse by Completely-Inept-Government-Du-Jour.

I have a strong hatred for anti-intellectualism as it is, and nothing pisses me off more than anti-intellectualism where politics -something that can actually make a difference, are concerned.

If you think that “all politicians are the same”, you are wrong.

If you think that “you don’t get a say in your own country”, you are wrong.

If you want to start running your mouth about corporate interest and how they have more sway than politicians do, well, you’re probably right, but don’t let that cloud your perception that you, a member of the unwashed masses on this piece of rock we took by force, can make a difference.

Do your research, use the Triple J Vote Compass-thingy if you’re that lazy and don’t know who to vote for, hell, listen to the Bolt Report and read the Daily Telegraph if you absolutely have to and you have no soul.

But seriously, don’t fuck this up.

Till next time…


Get Your Fucking Act Together, AusPol!

I’m sorry guys. I just need to get this off of my chest before it explodes or I go on a killing spree or something. Next post will be just one giant, pulsating, veiny, purple-headed dick joke. I promise.

So unless you’ve been hiding under a rock (or aren’t from the ‘Land Girt by Sea’). a federal election is coming up, Labor is spectacularly failing at keeping a leader and Tony Abbott is probably laughing his impish laugh all the way to the most powerful position in the country, poised to fuck up all the decent shit Labor has done over the last couple of years. Oh yeah, and still no gay marriage.

I mean, for FUCK’S SAKE! Winner gets to represent Labor, loser quits politics? Where have I seen this sort of drama-riffic bullshit before? (albeit, with better acting). Watching all this unfold is just painful. Like, “fucking a beehive” painful.

Here’s my idea: Put Gillard and Rudd into a pit filled with melee weapons and let them duke it out. Hell, play this over loudspeakers for the best effect.

Yeah, pretty much.


The Liberals are also a fucking laughingstock. What’s their platform again? Last I checked there was a lot of incoherent mumbling, something about boats and a surplus and then something else about being “better than Labor”.


You’re not convincing me to vote for you, you arsehats. You’re convincing me you’re a bunch of petulant little children who couldn’t form a coherent platform to save your lives. Go fuck yourselves you pathetic cunts.

Sadly, there are people who are uncomfortable with brown people and the idea of the teeny-tiny amount of debt that Australia is in* so I guess their tactics work on some people. At least they do with THE ENTIRE FUCKING MEDIA ON THEIR SIDE, not actually doing their fucking job and then wondering why their industry is being slowly killed off -in their minds, thanks to “them gosh-darn world-wide interwebnet thingamajigs”.

When a Hung Parliament (which still seems about as sexy as it sounds) was announced, I remember lamenting to Angry Aussie how I’m just completely disillusioned with politics.

Now, three years later, I’m just plain ol’ angry about the whole thing.

Naturally, with State of Origin on and a select few just plain not giving a shit, my feed on Facebook’s filling up with “OMG WE DUN CARE THE FOOTY’S ON!” and pictures of various fandom memes.

Australians all let us rejoyce…